Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
