Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
