Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
