I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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