there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
