Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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