She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
two words: eviction party
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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