Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
