I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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