I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
