i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
my sisters under your porch take her home
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize
