Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
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