No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
