please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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