this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
