she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
