Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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