wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
