Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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