im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
