You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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