I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
