How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
