So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
