Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
