Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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