he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
my being single is dangerous.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
