When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
