I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
