when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
