So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
