What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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