I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Randomize
