I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Still dying that you shit outside
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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