True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
