Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
