Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
