just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
