the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
