Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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