if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
