make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
