he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
