my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
