i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
