i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
