I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
