She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
