Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
