You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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