I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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